Things You Shouldn’t Put Inside Your Body: A PSA

I couldn’t help but wonder… when did we all start treating our bodies like science experiments gone rogue?

Somewhere between old wives' tales, questionable TikTok trends, and that friend who swears by “natural” remedies, we’ve been bombarded with advice on what to put inside our bodies. And yet, not all of it should make the cut. So, in the interest of keeping our most intimate spaces happy, healthy, and functioning properly, let’s go over a few things that should never cross the threshold.

1. Anything That’s Not Body-Safe

If it wasn’t made to go inside you, it probably shouldn’t. That means no vegetables (yes, even cucumbers), no random household objects (we’ve all heard the ER horror stories), and absolutely no DIY sex toy experiments. Your body deserves high-quality, body-safe materials—not a zucchini with commitment issues.

2. Essential Oils (Yes, Even the “Pure” Ones)

Look, I love a good diffuser moment as much as the next girl, but essential oils and vaginas are not a match made in heaven. Despite what the wellness crowd might tell you, your most delicate areas do not need to smell like lavender fields or peppermint dreams. The vagina is self-cleaning—treating it like an aromatherapy project is only going to lead to irritation, infections, and a very awkward conversation with your doctor.

3. Steaming, Scrubbing, or Anything Gwyneth Paltrow Suggested

Ah, vaginal steaming—the practice that made us all wonder if our most private parts needed a spa day. Newsflash: they don’t. No one asked for a facial down there, and steaming only disrupts the delicate balance your body already regulates perfectly fine on its own. As for scrubbing? The only exfoliation that should happen near your nether regions is a gentle rinse with water. Anything more, and you’re just asking for trouble.

4. Glitter, Perfume, or Any Other “Fun” Additive

I get it—sometimes, we want a little extra. But adding things like glitter, whipped cream, or flavored lube full of mystery ingredients is an invitation for irritation, infections, and possibly a yeast situation you really don’t want to deal with. If it’s not explicitly labeled safe for internal use, let’s keep it out of the equation.

5. Food (Beyond the Bedroom Fantasy)

There’s a reason they tell you not to mix chocolate syrup and body parts. Sugary substances can throw off your pH balance, leading to infections and discomfort. And let’s not even talk about the potential mess. If you’re into edible fun, stick to areas outside the body—because while whipped cream may be a great seduction tool, it’s not exactly meant for internal adventures.

6. Douches and “Detox” Anything

Your body isn’t a crime scene—it doesn’t need a deep clean. Douching disrupts your natural flora and can actually make things worse. That “fresh” feeling? It’s just your vaginal microbiome screaming for help. Skip the detox fads and let your body do what it does best—cleanse itself naturally.

The Bottom Line

Your body is not a science experiment, a DIY project, or a canvas for wellness influencers’ latest obsessions. It’s a beautiful, self-regulating system that knows how to take care of itself. So let’s all agree to keep the cucumbers in the salad, the essential oils in the diffuser, and the glitter in the craft drawer—where they belong.

Because if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that when it comes to our bodies, less really is more.