Entirely Un-Sexy Escape Rooms

@odd1ty Odette

Or otherwise known as ‘adult stores’ with stuff like ‘XXX’ on all the windows. Let's be clear—I am a timid person by nature, in and out of the bedroom, so sex shops are a little nerve-wracking. Nevertheless, I let my good friend Jen (@jenderful) act like the connoisseur she is and take me on a tour of some in-person shops.

First up, we visited a nearly warehouse sized store. Large, bright windows; a high concrete ceiling with LED lights; linoleum floor. As a starter (taste tester, Jen called it) it wasn’t too overwhelming, but I did vaguely feel like I was shopping in a hospital canteen. There was an entire wall of dildos though, which felt vaguely threatening and somewhat awe-filled, looking up at it as if it was the Great Wall of Dick. Wandering through, I felt a bit too exposed to dare try pick anything up, even just to look at pricing—the large space was good for the amount of items, but the fact that I could see over all the shelves to the rather bored cashier in an almost entirely empty store was…unnerving. 

Second up was a near polar opposite. Jen was really excited for this one, and I will admit it’s more what I expected when someone says “sex shop” (triple X’s and all). This was a corner place with at once hilarious and intriguing window displays, but on the inside was dark and perhaps a little dingy, at least in aura. Warm velvet curtains, red and gold lighting, and smelling vaguely of incense, I’m tempted to compare it to the witchy shops I have fun ducking into on occasion. Certainly, there are still plenty of glass balls around. There was an increased sense of intimacy in this one that I appreciated (a girl’s got to have her privacy) and was dually terrified of (because part of my brain still says that anyone possibly knowing I have sex is the greatest possible humiliation, nevermind this entire blog). If shop number one was too sterile, this one was too potent. At one point I got lost between the darkened shelves and had to whisper-yell my way back to Jennifer, the same fear in my body as when I would make noise in a library as a child.

Overall experience: maybe a 6 out of 10? I had fun, but more so in a childish, haha-look-its-a- penis sort of way than an adult exploring potential opportunities for pleasure. My greatest source of information and comfort was still Jen, so I definitely recommend going with a friend you trust to elevate the experience. In the end, I do prefer the anonymity and sanctity of a good online store—but it was good to see the sizes and styles of toys with my own eyes before placing any orders…

>>reply from @jenderful JEN

it was my honor to tour you around lust-ville

@scarlettimes SCARLETT

I haven’t had time to go back to the gym properly so I’ve been doing pilates around the house while the baby sleeps but then I just end up on the couch again and I constantly feel like I’m going to cry. I need to get an elliptical bike or SOMETHING and just sweat it out

Written By,

Spencer M.F. Rodrick