Pillow Talk: How to Ask for What You Want in Bed

I couldn’t help but wonder—why is it so much easier to ask for oat milk in your latte than to ask for what you really want in bed?

We live in a world where communication is everywhere; texts, emails, DMs—but when it comes to intimacy, some of us suddenly lose our words. Why? Because we’ve been conditioned to think that asking for what we want in bed means hurting someone else’s feelings, when really, it’s the ultimate act of trust.

So, how do you speak up about your sexual wants without turning a sexy moment into a relationship landmine? Let me tell you, it’s all about the delivery.

Step 1: Start the Conversation Outside the Bedroom

Here’s the thing—bedroom talk doesn’t always have to happen in the bedroom. If you’re nervous about bringing it up, try talking about it in a casual, non-pressured setting, like over dinner or during a late-night stroll.
For example:

• “You know what I’ve been thinking about lately…?”
• “I read this thing about (insert idea)—what do you think about trying it?”

Keep it playful, curious, and open-ended. It’s not about pointing fingers; it’s about exploring together.

Step 2: Use the Compliment Sandwich

If you’re worried about bruising their ego, here’s a trick that works wonders in the workplace and the bedroom: the compliment sandwich.
Start with something positive:

• “I love when you [insert something they do really well].”
  Then ease into your request:
• “You know what would take that to the next level? If we tried [insert your want].”
  And close with more love:
• “You already make me feel amazing, so I know this would just be icing on the cake.”

It’s not manipulation; it’s thoughtful communication.

Step 3: Make It About You

This is key: frame your wants as something you desire, not something they’re doing wrong.
Instead of:

• “You never do [this thing] for me.”
  Try:
• “I’d love to try [this thing] because it turns me on so much.”
  Notice the shift? It’s about sharing, not criticizing.

Step 4: Get Curious Together

Sometimes, talking about sex can feel heavy, but it doesn’t have to be. Make it an adventure! Suggest exploring together:

• “Let’s try something new. What’s on your wishlist?”
• “What’s the one thing you’ve always wanted to try?”

By opening the door for their desires, you make it safe for yours to come out, too.

Step 5: Embrace Awkwardness

Look, talking about sex can feel awkward—it’s inevitable. But here’s the truth: the best relationships aren’t the ones where everything is perfect. They’re the ones where you can laugh through the awkward moments and come out stronger (and maybe a little more naked) on the other side.

In the end, asking for what you want in bed isn’t about offending your partner; it’s about building intimacy, trust, and connection. Because the real magic happens when both people feel seen, heard, and yes, satisfied.

So, let’s stop apologizing for wanting more. Whether it’s a slower rhythm, a new position, or something you’ve only ever whispered to yourself, your desires deserve a voice. And trust me, the right partner will want to listen.

Because at the end of the day, good communication is the best kind of foreplay.